The Darkness of the Ocean
The anguish comes in waves.
The biggest crashes are when my children cry out for you. They are innocent and unknowing of what you have done to me, and what you have done to them. But I would rather be the rock on the shore, being pummeled by the waves, then to be the woman who was lost at sea.
In the sea it was dark and cold, and I had no refuge to swim to. And you knew it, you liked me surrounded by darkness. You lured me into a part of the ocean where it was bleak, and cold. That coldness numbed my heart and soul and distorted my entire reality. I followed you into the dark because you promised me your light would always be there and that I had no light on my own.
But the moment you sensed you had me, you left me, taking with you what little light you ever gave me. I was unable to see anything, and the coldness slowly numbed my body and mind. There were days I thought I would disappear completely.
But you seemed to always know when the darkness was about to envelop me completely. Those were the moments that you would venture out to me and give me just a little light. I was so happy to see the light, that I didn’t notice that the light you gave me was lessening each time.
Suddenly now I see that you were conditioning me to become comfortable in the dark and you never actually wanted to be in the ocean with me. It was never the light of love that you were giving me, it was the light of control and hatred.
Not only was the light you gave me limited, but it was fractured and skewed. It felt dull, and lifeless. But whenever I questioned what little light you gave me, you would turn it off completely.
And I was always so terrified to be back in the world of darkness that I began to convince myself to enjoy the small amounts of ominous light you gave.
Maybe if I began to see things the way you wanted me too, you would spare me more moments of light. But you never did, and I realize now, that you never would.
You purposely took away my ability to understand that I could create my own light, so you could capture me and slowly take away the light I had inside.
But guess what? That light that you tried so hard to put out, well it never really extinguished. Even when my mind was convinced it was gone, deep down my soul knew better.
So here I am, continuing to feel the waves crash on me, feeling like some days I can’t continue.
But then I remember how I saved myself from drowning in your darkness and that I have always had within me a powerful light.
- Jeniece Berg
Hello,
My name is Jeniece Berg, I am a mother, nurse and artist. Like many women before me, I lost myself completely in abuse. Art and writing are helping me rediscover who I am, what I stand for and is continuing to help me heal and grow.
Jeniece is another one of the strong, brave, inspiring women I’ve met who is willing to share her story to help others - to help them know they are not alone, that part of the healing is in sharing and connecting. She is a gifted writer and artist and I am honored that she has chosen to share her work with you here as a guest blogger. Her beautiful, compelling artwork is showcased on the Jeniece Berg Art page.
For more information about how you can make a difference, please visit “Hope In Hell”.
Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.
