Disrupting the Stigma
As presented by Deena Kordt during The Today Centre’s 2023 “Help Today, Hope Tomorrow” Fundraising Breakfast, including some additional content:
I offer a trigger warning, without apology.
To disrupt the stigma, we have to face the harsh realities.
Once you are more aware, you will start to recognize what is out there. And there are no trigger warnings in real life.
Three years ago I lost a friend in a brutal, violent, senseless way.
Her death in a murder / suicide, right here in Alberta, shook my world.
I am no stranger to domestic abuse. I lived with it for most of my life.
Does that make it any easier to process, to deal with a loss like this, to understand violence & abuse? No. Why?
Because for most of the years I was living it, I was in denial.. comparing my situation to ones like my murdered friend.
Because many victims compare their experiences with extremes or have grown up in abusive homes, they are unaware that their situation is abusive and damaging.
I met him when I was 18. He was 23. And I was the perfect victim.
I was intelligent, beautiful, athletic, ambitious, hard-working, the oldest of 4, an only girl with 3 younger brothers, raised in social & geographic isolation and a strict religious environment, naïve and optimistic, trusting and eager to escape. He quickly recognized the double-life we lived, the one our mother created so dad was unaware of things he didn’t approve of. Socially, I was isolated, not involved in extra-curricular activities with friends, and on a long-distance phone line with no cell phone or email to connect with others. Geographically, I was isolated, on a ranch far from anything but tiny rural towns. Religiously, I was programmed to not question authority, to be subservient to males, that divorce wasn’t allowed and always forgive anything. He saw the opportunities to exploit all of this. I saw someone who was smart, socialized, competent, generous and loyal with the same religious values that had been instilled in me.
It breaks my heart to think of that young woman and the way she was treated for over 30 years.
It breaks my heart to think of the life she deserved and the scars she’ll carry forever.
It breaks my heart how hard she tried to make her marriage work, how hard she tried to please someone who kept hurting her, how hard she worked to maintain the façade that everything was ok, how she felt trapped & didn’t know she could ask for help.
It breaks my heart to know that others are stuck in these situations because they don’t feel worthy of more and because others don’t, or won’t, ask if they need help.
You are here today because you want to make a difference. You have a heart for helping others and whether you have personally experienced abuse or not, you care about making the world a safer place. I truly appreciate and admire you for that. This is not an easy road. You know that looking away doesn’t make it go away. The stigma around domestic abuse is unique & deeply rooted. It is unique in that it is usually between intimate partners, private and often unseen, in territory that is generally considered ‘nobody else’s business’.
But we have seen evidence that it is possible to disrupt stigmas. There is hope. Great advancements have been made in disrupting the stigmas around disabilities, mental health, single-parenting, divorce, pro-choice, LGBTQ+2S, aging, unwed mothers, and even menstruation.
How critical is the domestic violence situation?
Did you know that on July 20th, Toronto City Council declared intimate partner violence and gender-based violence an epidemic.
And these declarations are now coming from at least 30 municipalities across Ontario. The highest incidents of domestic violence in Canada are in Ontario, followed by Quebec and then Alberta. The highest per-capita rate in Canada is in Red Deer.
And this is just what is reported. The legal definition of domestic violence now includes not just physical, but also psychological, financial, sexual, & emotional abuse, including threats, and applies to marriage, common-law or dating relationships. Controlling or coercive behavior between partners is being explored as a criminal offence in Canada with a private members bill. There is change happening. But there is also a critical epidemic of violence.
Let’s look at the stats another way.
Reach out & connect with someone to your left. Now reach to your right.
One of the 3 people in the group you’ve just created is likely to develop cancer in their lifetime. Shocking right?
So many people you know, people you see, will be affected by this terrifying disease. What is even more shocking? They are just as likely to be victims of domestic violence.
Which of these stats makes you most uncomfortable? Cancer or Abuse?
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of domestic violence. If it’s not you, then you know someone who has. If you’ve got cancer, it’s spoken of openly & you are supported openly – in many ways.
Not so with abuse. Shame and blame are part of the stigma around abuse. Myths about the type of person who ‘allows’ themselves to be abused is society’s excuse for not intervening in what is considered a choice. Nobody chooses to be abused.
What can you do?
Being aware of the prevalence and high frequency is a start.
Understanding the definition is a powerful prerequisite.
Speaking up is a necessity. You know this. That’s why you are here. That’s why we are not just hoping it goes away or that someone else will intervene. You and I are stepping up on behalf of those who need our help.
How many reach out and are met with zero belief, compassion, acceptance or support? They face questions they can’t answer themselves. Questions that have kept them locked in (or returning to) abusive situations.
“Why don’t you just leave?”
“How did you let it get so bad?”
“Why have you put up with it so long?”
“Is it really that bad?”
“Are you sure it’s ‘abuse’?”
When you hear someone say “Why don’t they just leave?” ask them ‘where are they supposed to go?’. There is a shortage of housing and rentals, shelters are overflowing, family and friends are reluctant or unaware of the need.
Instead ask, “How can I help support you in leaving?”
1 in 3 people you know are living in this hell. Intelligent, beautiful, successful, ambitious, optimistic people of all ages from teen to senior and from all walks of life are living with this fear and uncertainty, ashamed and stuck.
They are staying in unsafe, abusive environments because they are scared, uncertain, demoralized, feeling alone & invisible.
They need to be seen and believed.
YOU have the power to change this. How?
Understand that ‘violence’ includes far more than physical abuse.
Speak up. Become the safe supportive village that won’t tolerate disrespect or look the other way.
Reach IN. Dr. Jody Carrington shared this with me recently when I interviewed her. Reach in. Don’t wait for someone to reach out.
YOU can be part of the change that gives them hope in hell.
We can do this together.
On the table, you’ll find a paper and pens. On the paper please fill in the blanks, prioritizing these with the most important on the top :
The 3 most important people in your life
Your 3 most prized possessions
Your 3 bucket list items
Your 3 goals and dreams
___________________________________________________________________________
Here are a variety of scenarios portraying a variety of perpetrators and victims.
Scenarios:
The neighbors came over for supper & the bbq ran out of propane. He was embarrassed about that and blamed you, telling them that you must be old & hormonal to have forgotten to check and that you probably have Alzheimer’s because you’re always doing stupid things. They look uncomfortable & leave early. He yelled at you after they left, saying how bad you made him look. There are getting to be less and less people who you socialize with because you’re afraid of what he’ll say or do. – cross an item off your list
He ridicules you in front of your kids about the dinner you made, getting them to take part in the teasing until you get upset. Then he tells you to calm down, that it’s only teasing and you don’t have to take it so seriously. He plays the victim, acting hurt that you told him to stop. He asks the kids if they thought he was being mean. He makes you look and feel unstable and oversensitive. - cross an item off your list
There is no more money on your debit card until next week. Your friends are collecting for a friend’s baby gift but you don’t know how to tell them you can’t contribute anything until he allows you more money. They would never believe you because they know you both make a really good income. Your friends think you are being cheap and quick including you. – cross an item off your list
Your colleagues think it’s sweet that he stops by unannounced at work to check on you. They don’t hear him scold you for not wearing the outfit he told you to wear – the drab, baggy one that is too big. Thank god he didn’t come yesterday when you were wearing the makeup he said you don’t need. – cross an item off your list
Your mom calls. She’s angry and upset and wants to know why you wish she wouldn’t stop by so often. You’re totally caught off guard and confused. She says that he told her you confided in him that you feel that way and he wants you to be happy so he thought she should know. You try to convince her to believe you that that’s not true, but she gets mad and says ‘he’s an amazing guy - why would he make that up?’ and hangs up on you. – cross an item off your list
At the staff Christmas party, she drank way too much and acted horribly, embarrassing you and causing a scene. When you bring it up the next day, she blasts you – shaming you and accusing you of being boring and prudish and for making her feel bad for just having fun. You are confused and frustrated, wondering if it’s true. – cross an item off your list
You’ve trusted him with your deepest concerns about your job, your family, your own self-worth and now realize that he uses these to undermine and demoralize you – or so you suspect. He is subtle about it but there is always something off about the way he does it. Just today he asked if maybe your recent promotion was too much for you to handle. He made it sound like he was concerned it was stressful, but he kept using examples that suggested you are incompetent and worried that someone would find out you shouldn’t have gotten the promotion. He knows you struggle with imposter syndrome and this feels like salt in the wound. You wonder if you really are as stupid and undeserving as he says. – cross an item off your list
You are exhausted after having been sick for a week, juggling sick kids and trying to manage the house without asking for his help. When you ask, he makes a big deal out of it saying that this is your job, that other wives are capable of taking care of all of this and their husbands don’t have to do ‘pink’ work. You feel like a failure and try even harder to prove your worth. – cross an item off your list
You have had a hell of a day. The car broke down and you were late for work. He was pissed off about the expense to fix the car and threatened to sell it. He’s taken the keys away for the next month because he blames you for the breakdown. Now you have to figure out another way to get to work. He ‘accidently’ broke your favorite mug when you asked him to help unload the dishwasher, and now he wants sex. It’s the last thing you want to do. He says it’s your duty as a wife to take care of him this way. He says that if you’re not going to, then he’ll find someone who will. You give in. – cross an item off your list
Your sister says “what did you do to make him so mad?” You are hurt and confused because you have thought long and hard about whether you are to blame for how he treats you. You know deep down that you are not to blame, yet now you doubt yourself. You also realize that your sister doubts you and doesn’t believe you. You realize you can’t talk to her about it or ask her for help – cross an item off your list
She comments that you love the dog more than her and she feels left out. She ‘teases’ that you should pick one or the other to get rid of. Something about the way she watches your reaction to this feels very uncomfortable and concerning. – cross an item off your list
It’s your 4th date and you’re at a nice restaurant. When you order, you smile at the waiter & ask what the dinner special is. After the waiter leaves, he makes a surly remark that maybe you’d rather go home with the waiter. You are completely taken aback. There is a painfully awkward silence the rest of the meal as he won’t talk to you and you don’t know what to say. You try to understand what you did wrong. He doesn’t call for a week and when he does, he acts as though nothing strange happened. You’re so relieved and think this is just him liking you so much that he’s naturally jealous & possessive. Your instincts say this is a red flag, but you are flattered and want to give him another chance. You talk to a friend about it and she says this is definitely a red flag you can’t ignore. You cut contact with him. – get an item back
You ask him to pick up your son’s hockey equipment from the rink, but he forgets and tells your son that it wasn’t important enough to you to remind him, so now he’ll have to miss the away game because of you. When you get upset and apologize to your son, he loses his temper and punches the wall, scaring the whole family. He says “see what you made me do?” and storms out of the room. – cross an item off your list
He comes home the next day, tells you how much he loves you and surprises you with a gift, a gold necklace. He says he’s sorry that you made him so mad when he forgot the hockey equipment and says he’s sure you feel bad for scaring the kids. You are confused as this doesn't make sense. He’s the one who scared them and you've been made to feel like you don't deserve gifts. He said you should put the necklace on, take a picture and show it off to others. It feels inauthentic, odd, and awkward, with a dark motive to prove to others that you are well taken care of, loved, and spoiled and have nothing to complain about. It tightens the jaws of the trap. – cross an item off your list
One day from work, you call an abuse help line and a kind person answers. She asks if you’re safe. You say you are. You tell her about what has been happening and ask if this is abuse. She assures you that yes, this is abuse. She asks if you need help to find safety. You aren’t sure. There are so many things to figure out. Your mind is racing. Like how can you protect the kids, how will you get enough money, where will you go, will he follow, what about the dog? You get some information to start planning. You are shaking you are so scared, but you feel hopeful that there is a way out. – get an item back
You hide in a basement bedroom, locking the door so you feel safe to be alone, to cry and try to sort out your confused thoughts, but he finds you and wants you to let him in. You explain that you just need some time alone and will be out soon. He keeps trying to get you to talk to him and gets angrier by the minute. You stop responding. You are terrified. You realize that you have no idea what he is capable of and you realize you may be in danger. That’s when he kicks the door in. – cross an item off your list
That is heavy stuff. But it is sadly the reality of many.
Please share what you’ve heard today and explore what you’re feeling about your own understandings around abuse.
So, why don’t people just leave these situations?
For many reasons. It is never black and white. Each situation is different. It is complicated.
Some factors that are involved in deciding to leave include:
financial ties
custody of children
full shelters
emotional ties
increased risk of harm or homicide.
Has anyone ever disclosed to you that they’re experiencing or have experienced abuse?
How did that make you feel? What did you do? Would you react differently today?
Ask: are you safe? Do you need help? I believe you.
Ppl leave when ready. Don’t give up. Don’t judge. In fact, they may attempt to leave several times before they are successful.
That escalates the situation.
Your response may affect how they seek help in the future.
Ask questions to help you understand the situation and how you might help.
Consider ‘what has happened to them that they would be too afraid to leave?”
Are they safe once they’ve decided to leave or are out of the home? Not at all.
In fact that is the most dangerous time and a crucial reason why we need to support them when they leave.
Post-separation abuse is very common and extremely dangerous.
Know the warning signs of domestic violence. Victims of abuse will often show the following warning signs:
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Not going out or doing activities they used to enjoy
• Not having access or control of personal finances
• Have unexplained bruises or other injuries
• Show signs of depression or anxiety
• Children may be left alone, hungry, dirty or not dressed for the weather
• Seniors may seem frightened or withdrawn
What else can you do?
1. Learn how to safely intervene. Be aware of such things as the hand signal that communicates someone needs help.
2. Someone who has worked in the oil & gas industry recently shared with me that abuse is a dirty little secret that men know is happening amongst their peers, but it’s not challenged. It makes some uncomfortable to hear jokes and comments about abusive behavior, but they face ridicule and worse if they were to challenge anyone about it. It’s considered none of their business. The shocking thing about the phrase he used, a ‘dirty little secret’, is that it’s exactly the same phrase a survivor used to describe what she lived for so many years where others didn’t suspect the violence that existed in her home.
Let’s abolish this dirty little secret, let’s not just squirm and look the other way, hoping someone else will intervene and assist.
When you witness or hear something disrespectful or demoralizing reply with “I don’t get it. What do you mean? Can you explain? That doesn’t make sense to me.” “That’s not like you. Where is that coming from?”
Make people accountable for what they’re saying. As they try to explain what they meant, they will begin to realize how inappropriate and potentially harmful it is to speak or act that way.
When we know better, we can do better. We can’t address what we won’t first acknowledge.
Let’s consider for a moment what kind of person is an abuser?
Would a successful professional abuse? How about a first responder? A doctor? A pastor? A teacher? A woman? Yes, all of these.
Abusers often define abuse as being physically violent and are in denial themselves of the harm their actions are causing and the danger their partners fear from them. But let’s be clear - they are choosing to act violently and be hurtful, to control their victims.
We wonder ‘How could they do that?’ but we also have to consider ‘What has happened to them?’ ‘They are not ok.’
Hurt ppl hurt other ppl. They need help to heal before they’ll stop.
~~~
Instead of continuing to pull people out of the river, we need to go upstream and tackle the problem.
One way is to celebrate & encourage male role models who are leading by example.
This is just the start.
Keep these conversations going, even when, especially when, they get awkward and cringey.
That’s where the change happens.
Empower yourself with facts to bust myths, with stats to prove your point and if you have a story to share, do so.
Sharing your story doesn’t lock you into a victim identity, it proves you are a victor! It gives others hope. Hope in their Hell.
If you’re ready to share your story - come talk to me.
